Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
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