Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
