Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Randomize
