apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
