I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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