Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
