Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize