You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I just want to make out with him forever
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize