Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
