The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
