It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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