If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
