i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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