Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
