Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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