I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
