he seriously made his penis a facebook.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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