No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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