how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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