im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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