I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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