At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
