Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
even my farts smell like vagina
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
