So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm sobbing to NWA
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
