we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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