so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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