Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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