I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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