This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
