I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
