she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
