Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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