my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Dignity is for republicans.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
