lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
