wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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