OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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