At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
