Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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