He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
