The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
