I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
