all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize