I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
