I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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