WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
