State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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