Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You took a bar mat shot.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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