This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize