Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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