You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
