The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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