6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
