Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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