You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
