i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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