ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
